All my friends are having babies. All of them, even the dudes. Well, not really, but their wives, girlfriends, partners etc. Whatever you label the people who are my friends, they are all having babies. Some are on their 2nd or 3rd.
But, wait. Weren’t we all just binge drinking and having 3am street meat together? Weren’t we dancing our faces off to the sounds of Justin Timberlake and Usher in some fancy-yet-kinda-gross club, clothed in barely there body-con dresses even though it was the dead of winter?
The answer is no. No we weren’t just doing those things. We were doing those things five to ten years ago, not last weekend as my brain tricks me into believing. We are thirty. Thirty-plus in most cases.
Swap Timberlake for Beibs, a nightclub for a trendy overpriced gastropub, and the 3am sausages for a very appropriate 7:30pm dinner reservation. Add in an unwavering desire to be home in sweatpants an hour deep into Netflix, all before 11pm. This is our lives now. Well, for those of us who don’t have kids yet.
So really, it’s perfectly normal – whatever that means.
That being said, me acknowledging the normalcy of our changing group dynamics doesn’t stop me from saying some pretty stupid things. Like, really putting my foot in my mouth.
This brings me to: 5 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Expecting Mom
Scenario 1: The Call Out
Friend: Refuses a drink at a party.
Me: “OMG, have a beer it’s not like you’re pregnant!! LOL.”
Friend: Was in fact 3 months pregnant and was too nervous to tell anyone.
Lesson learned: Sometimes hard-partying friends who always expect you to have a cocktail in hand don’t drink. It could be because they’re not 21 anymore, and it could be because they’re pregnant. When in doubt, keep the comments to yourself.
Scenario 2: The One Upper
Friend: Explaining her severe morning sickness to group of friends.
Me: “Oh, I totally get it. I was pretty sick last weekend and barfed for 48 hours!”
Friend: Has been barfing for 48 days straight.
Lesson learned: The worst flu/food poisoning/hangover you’ve had as a non-mom will never be worse than enduring 3 straight months of gut-wrenching morning sickness. It just won’t.
Scenario 3: The Assumption
Friend: Announces her third pregnancy at brunch
Me: Oh, wow congrats. What a surprise! Were you trying to have a third??
Friend: Responds with blank stare and, “Um……”
Lesson learned: Don’t ever assume that even though someone has talked for a full year about how much they don’t want more children, that they don’t actually want more children.
Scenario 4: The Myth
Friend: Mentions that her and her man are actively trying for a family.
Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure it will happen soon. But I bet all the practice is fun!”
Friend: Bursts into tears.
Lesson learned: We spend most of our youth trying so hard NOT to get pregnant, it’s easy to assume it happens as fast as our grade 8 sex ed teachers led us to believe. The hard truth is for some people it takes years, and some people have sex once in three months and are ready to rock. For those that it takes a little longer, the fun gets sucked right out of it with all the ovulation charts and planning. It can also be terrifying. One friend said she burst into tears the first time she and her husband had sex without a condom with baby-making intentions. Safe to say her husband was slightly confused by this reaction.
Scenario 5: The Comparer
Friend: Has been working out her birth plan with her OB/GYN.
Me: “I heard Carol used a Doula and had a 100% vegan, organic, paleo birth – like Gwyneth!”
Friend: Doesn’t speak to me for a week. Or Carol.
Lesson learned: Never, ever, EVER, compare one friend to another, or a celebrity who is best known for shooting steam up her hoo-ha or crushing $200 smoothies composed of moon dust. Moms will each do what is best for them, and sometimes that includes taking advice from friends who have no business giving any, and sometimes that includes giving them the silent treatment for two weeks.